I was recently catching up with an old friend. It seems like this year there are lots of opportunities to catch up with old friends because for months seeing them in person hasn’t been an option. He made reference to the fact that I spend most of my days in conversation with people from around North America, and he asked, “What are you hearing?”
As I am writing this just past 5:00 a.m. on a summer morning near the Pacific Ocean, I am hearing silence except for the symphony of seagulls that have decided that the day should begin and they need to continue the flying lessons of their now full sized babies. They all seem oblivious to the concerns that humans are focused on.
Deep down I know that my friend was not interested in my early morning listening. He wanted to know what people are saying to me. I reflected on this and this is what I have been hearing.
First off, I have been hearing more. I have had months where I am having two to three times as many coaching sessions as usual. That may be a function of more people having a need to be heard, people having more time to be heard, or people just having more to say.
I have heard stories of pain and anguish and I have heard stories of joy and jubilation. I have heard problems and I have heard solutions. I have heard pessimism and I have heard optimism. I have heard from people who are bored and have nothing to do and people who have had one day off in the last five months. I have heard from people who have been dealing with the pandemic close to home daily and others who haven’t been impacted and don’t think it is a big deal. I have heard from people who have been dealing with deaths and some who have been celebrating births. I have heard from people who have lost their jobs and I have heard from people who have landed dream jobs. I have heard from young people who are not worried about their own health but don’t want to get their grandmother sick. I have heard from people who are concerned about social injustice and I have heard from people who are concerned about the people who are concerned with social injustice. I have heard fear and I have heard confidence. I have heard from people who see the tragedy in the times we are in and I have heard from people who see the opportunity in the times we are in. I heard from people who are less connected than usual and I have heard from people who have made a point of being more connected than usual.
In some ways I feel like I am hearing everything, and, in some ways, I feel like I am hearing nothing.
I reached out to a dear friend recently. I found that he was very down. He had been going through a lot and he seemed to be going through it alone. I asked him why he didn’t reach out to me and he said that he didn’t want me to experience him in this state.
“Genuine Listening means suspending memory, judgment, and desire and for a moment at least existing entirely for the other person.” - Mike Nichols
My question for you is “What are you hearing?”
One of the greatest gifts you can give to someone is to simply listen.
The challenge for many is to suspend memory, judgment, and desire and for a moment at least exist entirely for the other person.
You may have heard them say it before, you may disagree with what they are saying and you may want to be right or give them the solution, but all of those things get in the way of truly listening.
The quality of our communication affects the quality of our leadership and the quality of our lives! The quality of our communication is greatly impacted by the quality of our listening.
The quality of our listening is impacted by the quality of the questions we ask and how we listen to those answers.
Be aware that we can hear without listening!
Think of a time when you were truly listened to. Think about how that made you feel. Think about how that made you feel about the other person.
Perhaps today will be the day when someone who needs to be listened to will be lucky enough to be heard by you.
In our Extraordinary Leader Program recently we discussed the concept of “A Conversation of Lifetime”.
Most people are involved in hundreds of conversations in any given week. Many of the conversations we have are like the ones we have had before. If we are lucky in our lifetime, we will have one or a dozen conversations that truly stand out. When we ask people about the elements of their conversations of a lifetime here are some of the things they have told us:
- They were both absolutely present
- There was absolute trust and respect
- There was openness and vulnerability
- There was learning and discovery
- There was gratitude and appreciation
- There was sincere interest and curiosity
- There was a shared feeling that something special had just happened I go back to my previous question.
What are you hearing?
I hope you are hearing that your ability to listen is a gift that you can give to others. I hope you will experience a conversation of a lifetime
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Kevin MacDonald and Shelley MacDougall are the coaches for CMAA. To contact them call 1-866-822-3481 toll free.